Funny Stuff

This is where you'll find some silly and goofy pictures and an assortment of jokes I've picked up here and there over the years. I'm way behind on updating this page but there are just not enough hours in a day, or enough days in a week, or enough weeks...Ok, ok, I'll stop. Just look at all the funny pictures and read the jokes. Some of them you may even find funny. And if you've got a particularly funny joke or picture, email it to me and I might just get around to posting it here.






Funny Pictures

Guy When He Was Young Sheep Skin Condoms
Taliban Early Warning Sign
Dog Rest Cute Baby!??
Doughboy The Perfect Male
Yoda Smokin' Happy Kitty
New Afghanistan Map Canadian Coast Guard
Canadian Air Force Cat Tail
Chicken Protest Corporate Outhouse
Have Some Faith 1st Afghan Missile
Can Osama Come Out To Play? First Dog
Gas Prices Home Depot
Parking You Got The Worst Job?
Safe Sex(XXX!!) Canadian SOS
Worst Job? Women Drivers 1
Women Drivers 2 Women Drivers 3
Women Drivers 4 Women Drivers 5




Funny Jokes




Fix It

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"


Construction Worker On The 3rd Floor

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need",) and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming..."


The Rules - This Time By Men

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!


Please note .. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.


Snail

A man walks out of his house and steps onto the front porch. He happens to look down and sees a snail on his front step. He picks up the snail and throws it over his house.

Two years pass and the man once again steps onto his front porch. He looks down and sees the same snail there again on his front step.

The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck did you do that for?"


Newfie Mother To Newfie Son

Dear Son,
         I am writing this slow because I know you can't read too fast.
         We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Can't send you the address as the last newfie family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
         This place had a washing machine but the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
         It rained here only twice last week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
         About the coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
         We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandmas funeral, up she come.
         About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
         Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and burned for three days.
         Three of your friends went off the bridge in their pickup truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate open.
         Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them by now but I told her you had grown another foot since she last saw you so she had to knit another one.
         Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Luv,
Mom


Creation Of Canada

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued. "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel. "Don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."


First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


3 Blondes In The Woods

Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.

The first blonde says "They're deer tracks."
The second blonde says "They're bear tracks."
The third blonde says "They're moose tracks."

Then a train hits them.


Milking Dilemma

"I haven't sold one tractor all month", a tractor salesman tells his friend.

"That's nothing compared to my problem", his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when it's tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied it's tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with it's right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie it's one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with it's left hind leg, so I tie it's other leg up to the rafters.

Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor off ya".


Excuses For Not Exercising

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog: it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.



Canadian Wife

Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."



Do You Know Jack?

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced that it was the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.


Beware Of Teddy Bears

A young single woman is set up on a blind date by some of her friends. She goes to meet the guy at the restaurant and is pleasantly surprised to find him not only great looking but really intelligent and funny to boot.

After a wonderful evening the guy suggests that they go back to his place for some coffee. Eager to carry on with the evening the woman agrees. Once there the guy makes himself busy in the kitchen, while the woman has a good look round his flat.

Stumbling upon his bedroom she is surprised to discovers that it contains loads of soft toys and teddy bears. One whole wall of the room is in fact dedicated to nothing but soft toys and teddy bears, with the smaller toys being kept on a shelf on the bottom, slightly larger ones on a middle shelf and huge big bears and toys on the top shelf. Somewhat surprised, the woman goes back through to the living room for the coffee.

The guy asks her if she likes his flat. She says that she does but is curious as to why he has so many soft toys in his bedroom. Somewhat abashed the guy explains that whilst it's not exactly butch, he can't help but like them and that he is just a really sensitive guy.

This revelation pretty much seals the deal, and not much later the clothes are off and the couple are hard at it in the bloke's bedroom. After a great time in the sack, the woman breathlessly turns to her lover and asks "How was it for you?", to which he replies,

"Not bad darling, take any prize you want from the bottom shelf".


The Polish Work Ethic

There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish guy.  They all worked together at a factory.  Everyday they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early.  So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.  The boss leaves and so did they.

The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start the next morning.

The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom.  He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss, so he shuts the door and leaves.

The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking about going home early again.  They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No."

They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Signs You Are "Burned Out" Because of Work

You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."

Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

You sleep more at work than at home.

You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Sales

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing'.

Employee Training Course
MEMO: To All Employees

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager.  You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST ( B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and shall apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Union Shop

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued for many hours, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes sir, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Special Delivery

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor when the nurse walked out and said to a man sitting there, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mrs. Smith had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for 3M!"

When the nurse appeared next, she told the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets. "That's amazing! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point the gentleman sitting next to me let out a little strangled gasp and hurriedly got up, obviously distraught. When I asked him if he was okay, he explained, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."

The man continued, "I'm the casting director for 101 Dalmatians."

Pinpoint Marketing

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss, Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are made. The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Pop!

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condom!" the man states.

The guide replies, "No, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Office Machine

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Discourteous Service

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up bitch! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this bitch here is giving you a hard time!?"

Prison vs. Work

In PRISON you spend the majority or your time in an 8x10 cell.
At WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In PRISON you get three meals a day.
At WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
At WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At WORK you carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
At WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games (or being on the internet).

In PRISON you get your own toilet.
At WORK you have to share.

In PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
At WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars, wanting to get out.
At WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At WORK they are called managers.


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More Shtuff to come!